Episode Nineteen : IM DEMANDING ANSWERS

Holy Cray!!!!!  Actually, that’s not strong enough *&^%$^&(!@# !  How did this happen to me?  Why me?  Was I a bad person?  Did I not tip enough at Starbucks??  Did splat a really icky, but holy, bug on the highway??  WHYYY I ask?!

You see, this morning, I got up and began my morning bathroom routine, only to be face-t-face with a single WHITE HAIR.  It as about an inch long.  It was a snotty sassy little bugger too.  When I tried to pull it, it took the shape of two long brown hairs.  I had to use to assistance of the tweezers to find that lil guy to yank him from my scalp.  Yup, NO denying it, it was a silvery white hair. 

How did that happen?  I am not prepared for this.  I wont be 30 for 4 and a half more months.  I don’t have kids (besides Cooper, and the occasional Husband outburst), I just started my stressful job.  Is this what’s in store for me?  And this quickly?? 

Okay Okay, I know I am suppose to be grateful to have lasted this long without getting one, but I was happy!!  When my Bestie spotted a couple silvery friends a few years ago, it was due to a really stressful job.  In fact, the last few times I’ve seen her, I’ve spied her hair, and its all dark (she doesn’t dye it), no silvery speckle at all.  I’m so scared.  You see, my Mom when white at 25.  Granted, she had two kids, and she was divorced by then, so I should consider myself lucky.  But here’s my fear.  My Mom had always (in denial) rocked the skunk.  She tried to keep up with they dyes, but she’s lazy (oh god, so am I, do you see my fears clearly now?) and she never dyes the landing strip (not that one, gosh, stay with me) with enough time.  I don’t want to become that person.  And I’m not the kinda girl who can go silver and be confident in it.  My Mother-in-Law has silvery hair and still looks young and beautiful, but I have a completely different face structure.  I need long dark hair to keep that ‘you look like your 17’ image or else, I’ll get the ‘wow, you’re only 30?!’ comment.  And then, be afraid. 

Oh gosh, what do I do?  I’m too lazy to keep up with dying.  Do white hairs turn blonde before silver?  Because, I do have a bunch of blonde hairs sprouting up that weren’t there before.  THEY HAVE COLOR though!  Definitely BLONDE.  How does a white hair just appear??  I mean, I am to the age when I do examine my follicles searching for that icky color.  Why did I JUST see it today?  Its like it had a spotlight on it, with a choir singing behind it, some gospel hymn (more mocking).

Have I mentioned, I have yet to train the Husband to pretend to examine the hair before instantly replying 'Its Blonde Baby.'  Thats going to take a lot of training to get him to sound believable.  I should have started a year ago.  Terrible Terrible Terrible.  

Anyway, I need to go get ready for work to stop myself from bursting into tears.  I suppose Ill need to get up earlier from now on to pack on more wrinkle cream and makeup to hide the inevitable age spots.  This is so not fair.  I tip very well.  I try not to swear at stupid Masshole drivers.  I (usually) pick up Goops poops on our walks.  WHY ME??