Episode Ten : I Got the Bridesmaid Blues

Yesterday, I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my friends July 8^th wedding.  Its pretty cute, bright pink and it has POCKETS!  SCORE.  Now Ill have somewhere to stash my cell phone and Hershey’s kisses while walking down the aisle.  Only problem is, I have arm-pit fat.  Is that a thing?  (If not, lets not start calling it Shelley Fat, that would just be humiliating.)  If so, is there a way to get rid of it??  I mean, if necessary, I can Spanx and Miracle Push almost everything else into place, but the armpit area?  Totally un-hideable in a strapless dress.  I’m sure the Bride did this on purpose; she wants us to look bad so she looks exponentially gorgeous.  That’s what Brides do, right?  OK, Nikki would never do that, I’m pretty sure that I picked this dress for all five girls.  However, it doesn’t help that I’m the only bridesmaid over 5’6” (6 inches taller than the second tallest girl) and that Ill probably be the palest one up there even if I start tanning now.  I’m going to stand out like a sore thumb!  Oh well, its not about me, I suppose.  At least she didn’t put me in 30-yards of iridescent taffeta with puffy sleeves (although, that would have hidden the Shelley-Fat). 

So, I have 89 days exactly until the wedding to get in tip-top shape.  This requires doing something other than staring at the Wii console, wishing the blue glow to just go away.  I’m pretty certain that the husband leaves the Wii on just to taunt me while he’s away.  But avoiding the Wii isn’t completely my own fault.  I mean, we have people living below us (who are gone during the day) and the Dog doesn’t like sudden movements (when he’s not asleep for 18 hours), and that damn Wii balance board guy is just too mean when he tells me its been 148 days since I’ve weighed in last.  How can an inanimate object be so damn cruel?!  I don’t like it at all.  If I was in the mood for someone to be mean to me, I would get the Jillian Michaels routine…or admit to the husband that I’ve only used the Wii Zumba once since I insisted he buy it for me for Valentines day. 

So, my question to you, how should I get rid of the armpit fat?  OH, and in the process of trying the dress on for the picture, the Husband informed me of shoulder blade chunk also.  Isn’t he a sweetheart?  Any Suggestions?  And while I’m at it, how should I wear my hair (its long, incase you can’t tell)?  And what kind of jewelry should I wear?  Oh yeah, my UGLY (sorry Nikki) shoes are in the process of being dyed (pink), so imagine that.

Thanks in advance for your advice!!  Have a happy Weekend!!!!

xoshell

Episode Nine : Should I Breakup with Shoes?

I, like most girls, love shoes.  I love flipping through shoes in magazines and on Polyvore (my latest obsession, find me!).  What I don’t love though, is shoe shopping.  Should I turn in my girl card now?   I have a problem.  I am 6 feet tall, and while shorter girls may act like this is no big deal or say they’re jealous (all lies), for me, it is.  If we go out for drinks, you’re almost always shorter than me, even in your hottie heels, while I rock the flats.  Get confidence, be proud, yeah yeah.   I’ve heard it all.  I haven’t always hated shoe shopping.  For a tall girl who never wears heels, I have quite a few pairs.  I buy them like some girls buy skinny clothes, with the hopes of someday fitting into them.  I place them where I can see them to admire them like art, but rarely place them on the floor to slip my feets into.  It’s rather sad actually. 

I tend to surround myself with other girls who are taller in attempts to hide my height.  While it didn’t sustain itself with such superficial bonds, I can’t say that I initially choose my BFF solely for reasons other than her matching height.  But now, it doesn’t help that she lives 3000 miles away from me.  In fact, last Friday when we went out, she wore flats, that bitch!

The worst part is when I meet people whom I need to impress for the first time.  One of their first comments is almost always ’Wow, you’re tall.”  Wow, thanks for noticing Miss Bad Dye Job and Mr. Insecure Shortie.  Interviewing with men has got to be the worst.  6-foot tall girl walks into a bar…. Yeah, we all know how this joke ends.  Walking into the office on a particular confident day in heels almost always brings 6-10 comments, about my height and that joke, You’re not aloud to wear heals here,  you make us feel insecure. 

This DEFINITELY doesn’t help that, regardless of the abundance of cute flats, almost ALL new shoes out have a PLAT-FORM (yes, this is TWO four-letter words to a tall girl).  ARG… it frustrates me! 

Recently, I was shopping with a friend and she wandered over to the shoe section of Nordstrom Rack.  I tried to lead her over to the accessories, but she wasn’t having it.  So, I wandered the aisles of not my size and gazed longingly at the tiny gems.  Soon, my friend found a cute pair of black FLAT sandals.  She had recently mentioned that she broke her favorite pair and needed a replacement, but wasn’t sure about these.  Uh, HELLO!  I AM.  I was in love.  SO CUTE!!  Plus, they were strong enough to outstand my Dog (lets just say, Target brand doesn’t).  So, we both tried them on, SHE insisted.  Granted, they fit her a little more than me, but I was hoping (for an hour) that she would opt not to get them.  She also found a pair of tall boots that she was in love with, and I worked my hardest to convince her to get them.  They made her legs look great!  She deserved them!  It’s rare that she can find boots that zip up her calf (as many women have this problem!)  So, I did a great job of convincing her, and she bought them.  WOOHOO, $100 down, sure she wont buy a pair of sandals ALSO.  But then she bought the sandals too, ulg.  I couldn’t complain because, after all, she found them first.  

I’m slightly devastated.  I just spend an hour online searching for Lucky Brand, Nordstrom, Shoes, and Sandals.  Nothing.  Of course, Damn You Shoe World.  And now, I know myself well enough to know that I will compare every single sandal from now until I die (or until she donates them to me) on those perfect sandals. Another failed trip in the shoe aisle.  Cant we just all walk barefoot?  I mean, I have an awesome pedicure going on right now… my toes would look fabulous with those sandals.  

Holy Crap, Thank You Blog World!  I was skimming the blog before posting and decided it needed some pictures, so I went to Polyvore (I'm telling you, I'm addicted), and I put in the description and HERE THEY ARE!  You were probably thinking they were made of gold with how much I was in love with them, but trust me, they're sooo cute!  Now I just need to find them for cheaper!  

Episode Seven : Loosing the V-card...

I have to let you out on a secret, yes another one.  First I will tell you that I will neither confirm nor deny any tasty drinks that have been consumed today, on the last day of my Surprise Vacation Adventure.   I am preparing to leave for Boston on the Red-Eye, but before I leave, I have to make my SHELLEY WAS HERE, statement.  If I don’t managed to post tomorrow, assume I was arrested for indecent exposure.  You see, I am about to go loose my virginity.  Yup, The BIG Important One!!  And the best part, I’m at the airport.  I’m usually fairly progressive and get those uncomfortable moments out of the way as soon as I can, slightly so I can have something to relate to others while they were talking about their experiences… but mainly out of interest.  Whats it feel like???  But don’t worry,   Is it really as great as everyone makes it out to be??  Will it last?  Will I get a special card in the mail after joining that special club??  So many questions I must answer.  So little time to make an impression.

BUT, Before I do it (I’m such a nervous procrastinator), I must give a shout out to the person responsible for most of my falls from grace, my bestie Brittany.  A big thank you for pushing to loose my virginity, you have given me a gift.  I will think of you and our wonderful weekend while being uncomfortable/really-comfy and warm-and hopefully I wont be arrested for said indecent exposure, this Snuggie really is atrocious. Oh yeah, you pictured it…. I’m a Snuggie Virgin (soon to be ex Snuggie virgin) in Ugg Boots on the plane.  Luckily the Husband cant see me now. 

Due to FCC rules, I wont publish a picture of me snuggling in my Snuggie on the plane.  But here’s a peak of it in my bag.  Kinky, huh?

xoShell

PS.  This was sent to me via a little birdie.  We laughed….  You should laugh too J