I need DRIVE... and a twix

When I was a stay at home housewife, I busied myself with cleaning, playing with the dog, reading, surfing around blogs (occasionally commenting) and writing my own blog.  Since I got a job, I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for those who manage their jobs, lives, (occasionally children) and their blogs so successfully.  I am working full time and can hardly manage keeping the house clean or staying on top of the laundry, let alone writing my blog on a daily or even weekly basis.  I’m horrible.  I tend to come home and want to rest (ie watch tv, nap or read) or do ANYTHING BUT look at the computer.  I still do my drive bys blogs to read whats up with my favorite bloggers, but I find myself rarely commenting, simply because I don’t have anything to lead them back to.  Sure, I read all their posts, but if they stop by MY blog, they see a week (or two) old blog.  That’s so not cool.  I feel I should delete my blog entirely as to not disappoint people.  But what fun is that?  I suppose I just need to find more to write about.  Content Content Content.  And find a way to force myself to produce that content.  I mean, I know you don’t want too hear about my job, who cares that I hate doing dishes, and theres only so much more blogging I can do about Cooper before you all delete me and block me from even reading YOUR blogs. 

So here’s my latest gripe.  I’ve gained weight.  I have my friends wedding in about 8 weeks and I am going to be a blimp in the dress (assuming it zips up!).  I hate that I have to wear the exact same dress as the other girls, who are all short and skinny.  This is where forced comparisons begin.  Anyway, the Husband bought me Wii Zumba (which I hated after one attempt) and Wii Just Dance (which even though I REALLY wanted, I haven’t used once in the month since I’ve had it.)  I want to join a gym (mainly for the free tanning sessions, did I mention I need a tan before the wedding too?) but I don’t have any gym shoes (seriously, the dog ate them a year ago).  I went shopping the other day to get shoes just SO I could join the gym, but couldn’t find anything that I liked (meaning any that didn’t make me a foot taller that I already am).  I’m sure subconsciously this was because IF I found shoes, I would actually have to join AND GO to the gym rather than napping at home.  Its all a vicious circle all returning to the fact that I’m lazy and need motivation.  I thought I could just try the dress on and that would be motivation enough to get my butt moving, but it just depressed me into bed with cookies.  SO, I ask you… what is YOUR motivation?  And don’t give me ‘I want to look good, I love doing it, I want to be healthy… blah blah blah.’  That doesn’t drive me.  I need the DRIVE.  Call me a fat ass or something.  I need anything!  (and ANYTHING doesn’t include my bestfriend telling me that I’m the skinniest person she knows.  THAT doesn’t help Boobie!)

OK… back to work.  And soon to CVS, where I will inevitably search for healthy food before remembering that I’m in a convenient store and they only sell candy and chips. 

xoShell

Episode Nineteen : IM DEMANDING ANSWERS

Holy Cray!!!!!  Actually, that’s not strong enough *&^%$^&(!@# !  How did this happen to me?  Why me?  Was I a bad person?  Did I not tip enough at Starbucks??  Did splat a really icky, but holy, bug on the highway??  WHYYY I ask?!

You see, this morning, I got up and began my morning bathroom routine, only to be face-t-face with a single WHITE HAIR.  It as about an inch long.  It was a snotty sassy little bugger too.  When I tried to pull it, it took the shape of two long brown hairs.  I had to use to assistance of the tweezers to find that lil guy to yank him from my scalp.  Yup, NO denying it, it was a silvery white hair. 

How did that happen?  I am not prepared for this.  I wont be 30 for 4 and a half more months.  I don’t have kids (besides Cooper, and the occasional Husband outburst), I just started my stressful job.  Is this what’s in store for me?  And this quickly?? 

Okay Okay, I know I am suppose to be grateful to have lasted this long without getting one, but I was happy!!  When my Bestie spotted a couple silvery friends a few years ago, it was due to a really stressful job.  In fact, the last few times I’ve seen her, I’ve spied her hair, and its all dark (she doesn’t dye it), no silvery speckle at all.  I’m so scared.  You see, my Mom when white at 25.  Granted, she had two kids, and she was divorced by then, so I should consider myself lucky.  But here’s my fear.  My Mom had always (in denial) rocked the skunk.  She tried to keep up with they dyes, but she’s lazy (oh god, so am I, do you see my fears clearly now?) and she never dyes the landing strip (not that one, gosh, stay with me) with enough time.  I don’t want to become that person.  And I’m not the kinda girl who can go silver and be confident in it.  My Mother-in-Law has silvery hair and still looks young and beautiful, but I have a completely different face structure.  I need long dark hair to keep that ‘you look like your 17’ image or else, I’ll get the ‘wow, you’re only 30?!’ comment.  And then, be afraid. 

Oh gosh, what do I do?  I’m too lazy to keep up with dying.  Do white hairs turn blonde before silver?  Because, I do have a bunch of blonde hairs sprouting up that weren’t there before.  THEY HAVE COLOR though!  Definitely BLONDE.  How does a white hair just appear??  I mean, I am to the age when I do examine my follicles searching for that icky color.  Why did I JUST see it today?  Its like it had a spotlight on it, with a choir singing behind it, some gospel hymn (more mocking).

Have I mentioned, I have yet to train the Husband to pretend to examine the hair before instantly replying 'Its Blonde Baby.'  Thats going to take a lot of training to get him to sound believable.  I should have started a year ago.  Terrible Terrible Terrible.  

Anyway, I need to go get ready for work to stop myself from bursting into tears.  I suppose Ill need to get up earlier from now on to pack on more wrinkle cream and makeup to hide the inevitable age spots.  This is so not fair.  I tip very well.  I try not to swear at stupid Masshole drivers.  I (usually) pick up Goops poops on our walks.  WHY ME??

Episode Ten : I Got the Bridesmaid Blues

Yesterday, I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my friends July 8^th wedding.  Its pretty cute, bright pink and it has POCKETS!  SCORE.  Now Ill have somewhere to stash my cell phone and Hershey’s kisses while walking down the aisle.  Only problem is, I have arm-pit fat.  Is that a thing?  (If not, lets not start calling it Shelley Fat, that would just be humiliating.)  If so, is there a way to get rid of it??  I mean, if necessary, I can Spanx and Miracle Push almost everything else into place, but the armpit area?  Totally un-hideable in a strapless dress.  I’m sure the Bride did this on purpose; she wants us to look bad so she looks exponentially gorgeous.  That’s what Brides do, right?  OK, Nikki would never do that, I’m pretty sure that I picked this dress for all five girls.  However, it doesn’t help that I’m the only bridesmaid over 5’6” (6 inches taller than the second tallest girl) and that Ill probably be the palest one up there even if I start tanning now.  I’m going to stand out like a sore thumb!  Oh well, its not about me, I suppose.  At least she didn’t put me in 30-yards of iridescent taffeta with puffy sleeves (although, that would have hidden the Shelley-Fat). 

So, I have 89 days exactly until the wedding to get in tip-top shape.  This requires doing something other than staring at the Wii console, wishing the blue glow to just go away.  I’m pretty certain that the husband leaves the Wii on just to taunt me while he’s away.  But avoiding the Wii isn’t completely my own fault.  I mean, we have people living below us (who are gone during the day) and the Dog doesn’t like sudden movements (when he’s not asleep for 18 hours), and that damn Wii balance board guy is just too mean when he tells me its been 148 days since I’ve weighed in last.  How can an inanimate object be so damn cruel?!  I don’t like it at all.  If I was in the mood for someone to be mean to me, I would get the Jillian Michaels routine…or admit to the husband that I’ve only used the Wii Zumba once since I insisted he buy it for me for Valentines day. 

So, my question to you, how should I get rid of the armpit fat?  OH, and in the process of trying the dress on for the picture, the Husband informed me of shoulder blade chunk also.  Isn’t he a sweetheart?  Any Suggestions?  And while I’m at it, how should I wear my hair (its long, incase you can’t tell)?  And what kind of jewelry should I wear?  Oh yeah, my UGLY (sorry Nikki) shoes are in the process of being dyed (pink), so imagine that.

Thanks in advance for your advice!!  Have a happy Weekend!!!!

xoshell

Episode Nine : Should I Breakup with Shoes?

I, like most girls, love shoes.  I love flipping through shoes in magazines and on Polyvore (my latest obsession, find me!).  What I don’t love though, is shoe shopping.  Should I turn in my girl card now?   I have a problem.  I am 6 feet tall, and while shorter girls may act like this is no big deal or say they’re jealous (all lies), for me, it is.  If we go out for drinks, you’re almost always shorter than me, even in your hottie heels, while I rock the flats.  Get confidence, be proud, yeah yeah.   I’ve heard it all.  I haven’t always hated shoe shopping.  For a tall girl who never wears heels, I have quite a few pairs.  I buy them like some girls buy skinny clothes, with the hopes of someday fitting into them.  I place them where I can see them to admire them like art, but rarely place them on the floor to slip my feets into.  It’s rather sad actually. 

I tend to surround myself with other girls who are taller in attempts to hide my height.  While it didn’t sustain itself with such superficial bonds, I can’t say that I initially choose my BFF solely for reasons other than her matching height.  But now, it doesn’t help that she lives 3000 miles away from me.  In fact, last Friday when we went out, she wore flats, that bitch!

The worst part is when I meet people whom I need to impress for the first time.  One of their first comments is almost always ’Wow, you’re tall.”  Wow, thanks for noticing Miss Bad Dye Job and Mr. Insecure Shortie.  Interviewing with men has got to be the worst.  6-foot tall girl walks into a bar…. Yeah, we all know how this joke ends.  Walking into the office on a particular confident day in heels almost always brings 6-10 comments, about my height and that joke, You’re not aloud to wear heals here,  you make us feel insecure. 

This DEFINITELY doesn’t help that, regardless of the abundance of cute flats, almost ALL new shoes out have a PLAT-FORM (yes, this is TWO four-letter words to a tall girl).  ARG… it frustrates me! 

Recently, I was shopping with a friend and she wandered over to the shoe section of Nordstrom Rack.  I tried to lead her over to the accessories, but she wasn’t having it.  So, I wandered the aisles of not my size and gazed longingly at the tiny gems.  Soon, my friend found a cute pair of black FLAT sandals.  She had recently mentioned that she broke her favorite pair and needed a replacement, but wasn’t sure about these.  Uh, HELLO!  I AM.  I was in love.  SO CUTE!!  Plus, they were strong enough to outstand my Dog (lets just say, Target brand doesn’t).  So, we both tried them on, SHE insisted.  Granted, they fit her a little more than me, but I was hoping (for an hour) that she would opt not to get them.  She also found a pair of tall boots that she was in love with, and I worked my hardest to convince her to get them.  They made her legs look great!  She deserved them!  It’s rare that she can find boots that zip up her calf (as many women have this problem!)  So, I did a great job of convincing her, and she bought them.  WOOHOO, $100 down, sure she wont buy a pair of sandals ALSO.  But then she bought the sandals too, ulg.  I couldn’t complain because, after all, she found them first.  

I’m slightly devastated.  I just spend an hour online searching for Lucky Brand, Nordstrom, Shoes, and Sandals.  Nothing.  Of course, Damn You Shoe World.  And now, I know myself well enough to know that I will compare every single sandal from now until I die (or until she donates them to me) on those perfect sandals. Another failed trip in the shoe aisle.  Cant we just all walk barefoot?  I mean, I have an awesome pedicure going on right now… my toes would look fabulous with those sandals.  

Holy Crap, Thank You Blog World!  I was skimming the blog before posting and decided it needed some pictures, so I went to Polyvore (I'm telling you, I'm addicted), and I put in the description and HERE THEY ARE!  You were probably thinking they were made of gold with how much I was in love with them, but trust me, they're sooo cute!  Now I just need to find them for cheaper!  

Episode Seven : Loosing the V-card...

I have to let you out on a secret, yes another one.  First I will tell you that I will neither confirm nor deny any tasty drinks that have been consumed today, on the last day of my Surprise Vacation Adventure.   I am preparing to leave for Boston on the Red-Eye, but before I leave, I have to make my SHELLEY WAS HERE, statement.  If I don’t managed to post tomorrow, assume I was arrested for indecent exposure.  You see, I am about to go loose my virginity.  Yup, The BIG Important One!!  And the best part, I’m at the airport.  I’m usually fairly progressive and get those uncomfortable moments out of the way as soon as I can, slightly so I can have something to relate to others while they were talking about their experiences… but mainly out of interest.  Whats it feel like???  But don’t worry,   Is it really as great as everyone makes it out to be??  Will it last?  Will I get a special card in the mail after joining that special club??  So many questions I must answer.  So little time to make an impression.

BUT, Before I do it (I’m such a nervous procrastinator), I must give a shout out to the person responsible for most of my falls from grace, my bestie Brittany.  A big thank you for pushing to loose my virginity, you have given me a gift.  I will think of you and our wonderful weekend while being uncomfortable/really-comfy and warm-and hopefully I wont be arrested for said indecent exposure, this Snuggie really is atrocious. Oh yeah, you pictured it…. I’m a Snuggie Virgin (soon to be ex Snuggie virgin) in Ugg Boots on the plane.  Luckily the Husband cant see me now. 

Due to FCC rules, I wont publish a picture of me snuggling in my Snuggie on the plane.  But here’s a peak of it in my bag.  Kinky, huh?

xoShell

PS.  This was sent to me via a little birdie.  We laughed….  You should laugh too J

Episode Six : Surprising Seattle

Setting the scene: I'm in SEATTLE, downtown, at a coffee shop (no, not that one), watching the rain pound down.  Its fun to watch the tourists (easily recognizable by the umbrellas) attempting to look up through the rain drops at the hidden space needle.  Who comes here in April??  Oh, besides people returning home to surprise their friends and family who they haven't seen in TOO long.

I am now halfway through with my secret, which is now no longer a secret.  I am in Seattle!  Not a big deal, but rather exciting for me and for the few people I'm seeing.  You see, it was a spur of the moment travel decision.  While the Husband was in DC, he insisted I come here to see my loved ones.  OK!  I can do that!  Literally, only my two best friends knew I was coming.  This is a huge accomplishment because I am horrible at keeping secrets.  I love sharing juicy exciting details with people.  I actually managed to go four days without telling my friends and family that I was arriving.  Now that I am here, and finished my last reveal, I can relax, I hope.

I am finally beginning to feel a bit calmer while sitting at the coffee shop because after 4 days, I am finally connected to the rest of the world via my beloved MacBook. I'm soaking up the free wifi because, if you can believe it or not, no one in my family has the ability to tell me what their wireless password.  It's been rather irritating.    Granted, I do have my lifeline in form of a smart phone, but that can only do so much.  I cant write a blog, upload pictures and edit them on FB, and I def cant read and comment on all my new favorite blogs (prepare for back comments within the week).

My week has been full of surprises, and luckily, albeit one happening late, all went well.  First, I had my best friend go to my moms house to 'deliver flowers.'  After the delivery, I popped in the door.  I'm pretty sure my moms reaction was half heart attack inducing, half shitting herself (I kid).  It was a nice surprise.  Minutes later, my brother called her house and I answered, making him wonder why he called 20 miles away and got his sister who lives 3000 miles away.  The very best was walking into my Dads new business where he was inn the middle of painting.  He looked up and said HI, then took a literal double check, SHELLEY??!?!??!!!  He actually dropped the paintbrush in the process of coming over to give me one of those great hugs that leave you rocking back and forth.  I love those hugs.  It's been really hard being so far away from them since my Grandpa passed away in January.
OK, so now it's about time to post before I move onto my next Big Seattle Adventure.  Ill chat with everyone in the blog-world soon.

xoShell