I need DRIVE... and a twix

When I was a stay at home housewife, I busied myself with cleaning, playing with the dog, reading, surfing around blogs (occasionally commenting) and writing my own blog.  Since I got a job, I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for those who manage their jobs, lives, (occasionally children) and their blogs so successfully.  I am working full time and can hardly manage keeping the house clean or staying on top of the laundry, let alone writing my blog on a daily or even weekly basis.  I’m horrible.  I tend to come home and want to rest (ie watch tv, nap or read) or do ANYTHING BUT look at the computer.  I still do my drive bys blogs to read whats up with my favorite bloggers, but I find myself rarely commenting, simply because I don’t have anything to lead them back to.  Sure, I read all their posts, but if they stop by MY blog, they see a week (or two) old blog.  That’s so not cool.  I feel I should delete my blog entirely as to not disappoint people.  But what fun is that?  I suppose I just need to find more to write about.  Content Content Content.  And find a way to force myself to produce that content.  I mean, I know you don’t want too hear about my job, who cares that I hate doing dishes, and theres only so much more blogging I can do about Cooper before you all delete me and block me from even reading YOUR blogs. 

So here’s my latest gripe.  I’ve gained weight.  I have my friends wedding in about 8 weeks and I am going to be a blimp in the dress (assuming it zips up!).  I hate that I have to wear the exact same dress as the other girls, who are all short and skinny.  This is where forced comparisons begin.  Anyway, the Husband bought me Wii Zumba (which I hated after one attempt) and Wii Just Dance (which even though I REALLY wanted, I haven’t used once in the month since I’ve had it.)  I want to join a gym (mainly for the free tanning sessions, did I mention I need a tan before the wedding too?) but I don’t have any gym shoes (seriously, the dog ate them a year ago).  I went shopping the other day to get shoes just SO I could join the gym, but couldn’t find anything that I liked (meaning any that didn’t make me a foot taller that I already am).  I’m sure subconsciously this was because IF I found shoes, I would actually have to join AND GO to the gym rather than napping at home.  Its all a vicious circle all returning to the fact that I’m lazy and need motivation.  I thought I could just try the dress on and that would be motivation enough to get my butt moving, but it just depressed me into bed with cookies.  SO, I ask you… what is YOUR motivation?  And don’t give me ‘I want to look good, I love doing it, I want to be healthy… blah blah blah.’  That doesn’t drive me.  I need the DRIVE.  Call me a fat ass or something.  I need anything!  (and ANYTHING doesn’t include my bestfriend telling me that I’m the skinniest person she knows.  THAT doesn’t help Boobie!)

OK… back to work.  And soon to CVS, where I will inevitably search for healthy food before remembering that I’m in a convenient store and they only sell candy and chips. 

xoShell

Episode Twelve : Things that can happen in a day..

Procrastination will be the end of me.  I started my day with a list of errands that I have been putting off for too long, and finally accomplished them-or most of them, I’ll do the others later. I’m sure visuals would help give you the quick spin of the day, but unfortunately, my beloved Blackberry was at the devil doctor (one of the errands I was putting off), so I had no camera (yikes, and no clock) handy to document my day.  Let me summarize (I read a blog where someone said they enjoy having a glimpse at the bloggers day, well, mine wasn’t exciting, but lets see if I can make it appear as if it was..)

First I got up and made the Husband a delicious breakfast (Ok, this is a lie.  He was up 3 hours before me, and he shoved a Pop Tart in my hand and reminded me that I have a Doctors appointment of my own at 11.  Blah.)

After the Husband left, I forced myself to drink the too-hot tea and hop on the Wii Fit.  (I actually did this!!  86 days until the wedding!).  Here, I spend about 12 minutes of the next hour working out, and about 48 minutes downloading fun workout songs (Burlesque Sound Track > Get it!).

Skip some boring time of me dancing around the house (*see : avoiding folding laundry). 

I get to the doctor early (on time is apparently the medical fields ‘early’), and wait to be seen.  I flipped through a few magazines before remembered that people usually only go to the doctor when they’re ridiculously sick.  Ew.  If I catch some yucky disease in the next few days, Ill let you know which doctors office to avoid like the plague.   After being infected waiting in the tiny waiting room for 45 minutes, I was taken into the room for a total of SIX minutes (three of which were with an actual doctor), just enough time to point to my smiling face proving I’m quasi-happy, and was let go.  51 minutes. 

Next stop was the phone doctor.  In November, my cell phone provider, who shall remain nameless until they piss me off again, sent me an update for my GPS.  Little did they know, I was still rocking the 2010 Blackberry (hello, it was still 2010) and they sent me an ultra new shiny update for the 2011 Blackberry.  Of course, I jumped on that bandwagon and downloaded until my little hearts content-only to find, next time I desperately needed to use my GPS, it was brokeded.  Buttheads!  They insisted I needed to bring my phone into a certain type of store to have it rebooted, or something like that.  This was going to take two and half house.  So, of course, I put off doing this for like 4 months (GPSless, and lost about 400 times).  Due to this ‘reboot’ thingy, I went three hours without my lifeline.  I always have my phone at my fingertips to read texts/emails/FB/twitter and now Blog updates. But MOST importantly, I use it as a CLOCK.  See, here’s the uber annoying thing about Miss Shelley, I get crazy anxiety (seriously) if I don’t know what time it is.  I don’t wear a watch, so for the three hours, I was asking everyone I could find what time it was.  It was a long three hours. My heart was thumping the-whole-type.  Luckily, this took place after seeing the doctor. 

During this time while Rebecca (Blackberry > Blackie > John Stamos > Beckie > Rebecca.  Duh!) was undergoing reproductive surgery, I got a Mani that looks pretty dang great (the Pedi happened a week ago).  I had them do gels with the promise that it would last at least ten days.  Believe me, I have LOTS of time on my hands to go back and bitch them out if it doesn’t last more than 4 days (interview on Wednesday.)

To kill more time, I ate at the worldly food court (seriously, Asian, Cuban, Italian, Thai, Indian, Japanese-no McDonalds) and wandered around the large and confusing mall.  It’s actually the mall that Mall Cop was filmed at.  I don’t know why I told you this, because even I haven’t seen the movie.  And shopped a bit too much at Sophora (oh how I love thee, yet do not need thee), and J Crew (Sprrriiiiiinnngg!).  I would have been more productive in searching for bday cards for the abundance of April birthdays, but my no-clock-anxiety was kicking in big time, and I figure, I always send cards too late anyway, so why fix it if it aint brokeded (can this be my new word?)?

Now I’m home.  The windows are open and the dog is locked in his club house, so I have piece and quiet until the Husband gets home and asks why I still haven’t folded the laundry that has been sitting on the counter for 6 days.  It’s such a lovely Spring Day.  I would rather be napping in the sun than folding the husband’s shirts.  When did I sign up for this?  Oh yeah, 324 days ago.  Know what that means?  41 days until my first anniversary.  Oh yeah… Ill be in San Francisco... With the girls…  and without the Husband.  Is that bad?

Happy Spring!

xoShell

PS.  DAMNIT SPRINT!  You did it, I’m calling you out!!  I had my apps lined up perfectly, and NOW they’re ALL gone!!  Now I have to spend hours downloading, signing in and lining them up perfectly again! 

Episode Ten : I Got the Bridesmaid Blues

Yesterday, I picked up my bridesmaid dress for my friends July 8^th wedding.  Its pretty cute, bright pink and it has POCKETS!  SCORE.  Now Ill have somewhere to stash my cell phone and Hershey’s kisses while walking down the aisle.  Only problem is, I have arm-pit fat.  Is that a thing?  (If not, lets not start calling it Shelley Fat, that would just be humiliating.)  If so, is there a way to get rid of it??  I mean, if necessary, I can Spanx and Miracle Push almost everything else into place, but the armpit area?  Totally un-hideable in a strapless dress.  I’m sure the Bride did this on purpose; she wants us to look bad so she looks exponentially gorgeous.  That’s what Brides do, right?  OK, Nikki would never do that, I’m pretty sure that I picked this dress for all five girls.  However, it doesn’t help that I’m the only bridesmaid over 5’6” (6 inches taller than the second tallest girl) and that Ill probably be the palest one up there even if I start tanning now.  I’m going to stand out like a sore thumb!  Oh well, its not about me, I suppose.  At least she didn’t put me in 30-yards of iridescent taffeta with puffy sleeves (although, that would have hidden the Shelley-Fat). 

So, I have 89 days exactly until the wedding to get in tip-top shape.  This requires doing something other than staring at the Wii console, wishing the blue glow to just go away.  I’m pretty certain that the husband leaves the Wii on just to taunt me while he’s away.  But avoiding the Wii isn’t completely my own fault.  I mean, we have people living below us (who are gone during the day) and the Dog doesn’t like sudden movements (when he’s not asleep for 18 hours), and that damn Wii balance board guy is just too mean when he tells me its been 148 days since I’ve weighed in last.  How can an inanimate object be so damn cruel?!  I don’t like it at all.  If I was in the mood for someone to be mean to me, I would get the Jillian Michaels routine…or admit to the husband that I’ve only used the Wii Zumba once since I insisted he buy it for me for Valentines day. 

So, my question to you, how should I get rid of the armpit fat?  OH, and in the process of trying the dress on for the picture, the Husband informed me of shoulder blade chunk also.  Isn’t he a sweetheart?  Any Suggestions?  And while I’m at it, how should I wear my hair (its long, incase you can’t tell)?  And what kind of jewelry should I wear?  Oh yeah, my UGLY (sorry Nikki) shoes are in the process of being dyed (pink), so imagine that.

Thanks in advance for your advice!!  Have a happy Weekend!!!!

xoshell

Episode One : Appearing Busy

I’m not sure that I understand the allure of being a housewife.  Staying home, cleaning, organizing lives and watching daytime TV?  How unfulfilling.  Perhaps back in the day there was better programming on TV.  It cant be normal to want to punch through TV every time I see one of those soap actresses use the word commitment, then tell their husband/lover/brother/pastor that the child is actually a love child of their own brother.  Yuck.

I’m pretty sure 4 loads of laundry every single day that I’ve been here.  Not that we go through that much laundry, but once it touches the ground, it needs to be washed, right?  On Thursday, I left the clothes in the dryer and a wet load in the dryer just to give myself something to redo on Friday.  Perhaps I really am doing this right, creating more work for myself so my husband thinks I’m really busy.  As long as a different room is clean every day, I must be doing my job.  Although, I mentioned that I was planning on cleaning his office, and he got a bit twitchy and told me not to.  Maybe that will be a nice treat for him when he comes home at midnight on Tuesday – a nice shiny clean office, ORGANIZED and everything.  I kinda need one or two of those desk drawers.  Those papers from 3 years ago cant possibly be necessary to keep, right?

I’m not quite sure what the husband thinks of me staying home.  Sure, things are getting done here.  He almost always has a hot 1950s style meal waiting when he gets home.  He doesn’t have to listen to me complain about a horrible coworker anymore.  He doesn’t have to walk the dog or clean up after him – because as a stay at home wife, that’s my sole job, regardless of the time of day, cleaning up poop.  He must love this.  He’s told me numerous times that he has this desire to take care of me.  Yeah, I have that same desire, to take care of myself.  How do we clash there?

The dog on the other hand, certainly is unhappy with me being home.  Sure, he needs a bit of food and a walk every now and then, but I’m sure I’m disturbing his busy social schedule.  He’s constantly telling us that he’s a professor of Pupinomics at the Harvard University Extension school, but since I’ve been home, I’ve yet to see him go to class once.  He doesn’t even grade papers or work on his manuscript.  All I see him do it chew on some dumb bone.  How can anyone be so entranced by a simple stinky and now sticky bone for so long?

So my schedule for today…

• Redo some of that laundry from last week, and luckily this weekend (I think I’ll leave that till later so I have something to look forward to.  Plus, in the week that I’ve been here, I can already tell that it looks good to appear busy when the husband comes home.
• Sand and paint the spackled white spots on the bedroom and living room walls.  (Mental note: throw more hard things at said walls in the future to create more busy work when attempting to appear busy).
• Do dishes from this weekend (damnit, I already checked this off my list.  Why do I feel so productive so early in the morning?  I should cut out that coffee at 8am)
• Bathe dog. (Perhaps wait for husband to volunteer.  After being here for a week, I’ve become immune to the dogs smell.  Husband has not)
• Mop floors, again (train dog to NOT to pee on the floor).
• Wii Fit.  178 days until my friends wedding, and have to get my arms a little toned to look hot in the bridesmaid dress.  Husband bought me a medicine ball to hold while working out.  Not sure if this is a sick joke or not-will let you know soon.
• Search for a job that allows me to utilize all 8 of my talents and will allow me to fulfill my dream of being important, wealthy and notable in a trade magazine.
• Use the word ‘Exponentially’ in conversation.  This may take a while, since I can only talk to the dog.