I need DRIVE... and a twix

When I was a stay at home housewife, I busied myself with cleaning, playing with the dog, reading, surfing around blogs (occasionally commenting) and writing my own blog.  Since I got a job, I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for those who manage their jobs, lives, (occasionally children) and their blogs so successfully.  I am working full time and can hardly manage keeping the house clean or staying on top of the laundry, let alone writing my blog on a daily or even weekly basis.  I’m horrible.  I tend to come home and want to rest (ie watch tv, nap or read) or do ANYTHING BUT look at the computer.  I still do my drive bys blogs to read whats up with my favorite bloggers, but I find myself rarely commenting, simply because I don’t have anything to lead them back to.  Sure, I read all their posts, but if they stop by MY blog, they see a week (or two) old blog.  That’s so not cool.  I feel I should delete my blog entirely as to not disappoint people.  But what fun is that?  I suppose I just need to find more to write about.  Content Content Content.  And find a way to force myself to produce that content.  I mean, I know you don’t want too hear about my job, who cares that I hate doing dishes, and theres only so much more blogging I can do about Cooper before you all delete me and block me from even reading YOUR blogs. 

So here’s my latest gripe.  I’ve gained weight.  I have my friends wedding in about 8 weeks and I am going to be a blimp in the dress (assuming it zips up!).  I hate that I have to wear the exact same dress as the other girls, who are all short and skinny.  This is where forced comparisons begin.  Anyway, the Husband bought me Wii Zumba (which I hated after one attempt) and Wii Just Dance (which even though I REALLY wanted, I haven’t used once in the month since I’ve had it.)  I want to join a gym (mainly for the free tanning sessions, did I mention I need a tan before the wedding too?) but I don’t have any gym shoes (seriously, the dog ate them a year ago).  I went shopping the other day to get shoes just SO I could join the gym, but couldn’t find anything that I liked (meaning any that didn’t make me a foot taller that I already am).  I’m sure subconsciously this was because IF I found shoes, I would actually have to join AND GO to the gym rather than napping at home.  Its all a vicious circle all returning to the fact that I’m lazy and need motivation.  I thought I could just try the dress on and that would be motivation enough to get my butt moving, but it just depressed me into bed with cookies.  SO, I ask you… what is YOUR motivation?  And don’t give me ‘I want to look good, I love doing it, I want to be healthy… blah blah blah.’  That doesn’t drive me.  I need the DRIVE.  Call me a fat ass or something.  I need anything!  (and ANYTHING doesn’t include my bestfriend telling me that I’m the skinniest person she knows.  THAT doesn’t help Boobie!)

OK… back to work.  And soon to CVS, where I will inevitably search for healthy food before remembering that I’m in a convenient store and they only sell candy and chips. 

xoShell

Episode Nineteen : IM DEMANDING ANSWERS

Holy Cray!!!!!  Actually, that’s not strong enough *&^%$^&(!@# !  How did this happen to me?  Why me?  Was I a bad person?  Did I not tip enough at Starbucks??  Did splat a really icky, but holy, bug on the highway??  WHYYY I ask?!

You see, this morning, I got up and began my morning bathroom routine, only to be face-t-face with a single WHITE HAIR.  It as about an inch long.  It was a snotty sassy little bugger too.  When I tried to pull it, it took the shape of two long brown hairs.  I had to use to assistance of the tweezers to find that lil guy to yank him from my scalp.  Yup, NO denying it, it was a silvery white hair. 

How did that happen?  I am not prepared for this.  I wont be 30 for 4 and a half more months.  I don’t have kids (besides Cooper, and the occasional Husband outburst), I just started my stressful job.  Is this what’s in store for me?  And this quickly?? 

Okay Okay, I know I am suppose to be grateful to have lasted this long without getting one, but I was happy!!  When my Bestie spotted a couple silvery friends a few years ago, it was due to a really stressful job.  In fact, the last few times I’ve seen her, I’ve spied her hair, and its all dark (she doesn’t dye it), no silvery speckle at all.  I’m so scared.  You see, my Mom when white at 25.  Granted, she had two kids, and she was divorced by then, so I should consider myself lucky.  But here’s my fear.  My Mom had always (in denial) rocked the skunk.  She tried to keep up with they dyes, but she’s lazy (oh god, so am I, do you see my fears clearly now?) and she never dyes the landing strip (not that one, gosh, stay with me) with enough time.  I don’t want to become that person.  And I’m not the kinda girl who can go silver and be confident in it.  My Mother-in-Law has silvery hair and still looks young and beautiful, but I have a completely different face structure.  I need long dark hair to keep that ‘you look like your 17’ image or else, I’ll get the ‘wow, you’re only 30?!’ comment.  And then, be afraid. 

Oh gosh, what do I do?  I’m too lazy to keep up with dying.  Do white hairs turn blonde before silver?  Because, I do have a bunch of blonde hairs sprouting up that weren’t there before.  THEY HAVE COLOR though!  Definitely BLONDE.  How does a white hair just appear??  I mean, I am to the age when I do examine my follicles searching for that icky color.  Why did I JUST see it today?  Its like it had a spotlight on it, with a choir singing behind it, some gospel hymn (more mocking).

Have I mentioned, I have yet to train the Husband to pretend to examine the hair before instantly replying 'Its Blonde Baby.'  Thats going to take a lot of training to get him to sound believable.  I should have started a year ago.  Terrible Terrible Terrible.  

Anyway, I need to go get ready for work to stop myself from bursting into tears.  I suppose Ill need to get up earlier from now on to pack on more wrinkle cream and makeup to hide the inevitable age spots.  This is so not fair.  I tip very well.  I try not to swear at stupid Masshole drivers.  I (usually) pick up Goops poops on our walks.  WHY ME??

Tail Wagging Tuesday : I love napping with my Gooie

Crap, I forgot its Tuesday!!  I have to enter Goopie into the Tail-Wagging-Tuesday Blog-o-sphere!!  

First, heres the info from Miss C Mae's blog.  Check out her blog, its not only super cute, but she has a link-up where everyone can link to their own Tail Wagging Pups

Before you comment, YES, we do let Goopie sleep with us.  I know, I know.  Its BAD.  It actually ruins our sleep.  The only place he (and I) will comfortably sleep is with me on my side with my knees bend, and him behind my knee-nook.  Its our thing.  It was never the intention to let Goops sleep with us, but I insisted that I couldn't sleep without him the first week that we brought him home.  He was so polite and slept by our feet, but as the months went by, he inched his way up between us.  He gets really mad when the Husband and I try to sleep next to each other (hence, his middle name being Oedipus).  Now, the Husband has turned into a softy and insists that Goops needs to sleep with us because of the pack mentality-he needs to feel like he's apart of the pack.  Ok, that works.  One little cry in the middle of the night and Goops is up on the bed in his 'nook'.

Goopie and Momma napping in the cloud.  

Episode Eighteen : Introducing the Househusband

Dear Bloggy

I’m sorry I haven’t written to you recently.  I can offer a thousand excuses that I had pre-prepared, but I know that you know me too well to believe anything I might throw at you other than the absolute truth.  So, I am sorry.  For some reason, in society people value a hard days work, and paychecks.  Don’t ask me why.  The husband just seems happier knowing that I’m stretching my brain while sitting under florescent lighting rather than when I was basking in the ability to nap anytime I want.  I.just.dont.get.it!

So, my job is pretty interesting.  I am solely responsible for marketing and branding a ridiculously wealthy company.  I don’t know why they picked me but I think I can handle it.  I was just watching ‘How its Made’ with the Husband and they showed an assembly line of people making lockers for a school.  Can you imagine being in the same place for 8 hours a day doing the same teeny meaningless task?  I said this to the husband, and he simply replied ‘people want those jobs right now, they’re secure and they don’t require you to think.’  Really?  Bloggy, I ask you, WHO doesn’t want to think?!  I am on the other side of the spectrum, thinking almost too much with this new job.  I think my brain is about to explode in technology-input-overload (hence me not blogging for a week).  I couldn’t manage to produce a single clear thought in sentence form, let alone make it interesting and witty.  Who knows if I’ve ever been able to do that, but last week, it was ridiculous.  I’m pretty sure I was talking in Acronyms.  On Easter, I may have actually said el-oh-el instead of laughing.

However, the lack of posting doesn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking of you, dear bloggy.  I began to compose about 4 blogs in the last week.  I even used you as motivation for a grueling task that I had to perform.  You see, I made a lemon cake, filled with home made strawberry/cream cheese and topped with homemade cream cheese frosting and fresh strawberry slices.  It was a masterpiece.  I took pictures of the whole act, but we can’t seem to find the Canon cord, alas, you do not get to see the pictures.  All for the better though.  We had Easter lunch down in Connecticut, a nice hour away, where the whole cake melted all over itself.  It was delicious nonetheless, but wasn’t as pretty as I had hoped.  If I had to look at the pictures today to post here, I would probably just cry. 

I also wrote a blog about my Friday confessions.  But the only semi-interesting confession was that while I sat responding to a weeks worth of blog postings, I ate half a bag of Salt and Vinegar potato chips.  I didn’t even realize I did it. To my own defense, I think the bag was full of air upon opening it.  But that’s not the confession.  After I finally realizing that I devoured half the bag of chips, I looked at my manicure, only to realize that somehow in that 30 minutes, half of my nail polish chipped.  I never found evidence of the chipping… but I continued to eat chips anyway.  Ha!  Oops. 

As I mentioned a week or so back, the House-o-Belmont is now without a fulltime housewife.  The husband and I worked out a clean-as-you-go plan that lasted about a day, but luckily, he’s on vacation this week, so the house has been staying fairly clean.  I shutter at the thought of what it will look like when my househusband starts back at school in 2 weeks.  For some reason, I don’t think I’m going to be able to train the dog to vacuum. 

OK, this is crazy long, and I don’t really have any fun pictures to put in, so Ill end it here.  Dear Bloggy, thank you for being a great follower and allowing me to know that you will always be here for me-even when I take a week away from you due to my brain leaking out of my ears. 

Xoxox.  Shell

PS, I just politely asked my Househusband NOT to do my laundry anymore.  What's worse, shrunken clothes, or doing laundry?  I'll let you know...

Tail Wagging Tuesday

I love my dog, can you tell?  Hes like my child, so as soon as he was adopted, I started frosting him with gems.  He deserves them. 

check out the grill

OK, so he doesn’t have bling, but only because he cant even keep his leash out of his mouth, so why would I EVER put diamonds near him.  Instead he’s bling’d out with his Doggy Tags.  Four to be exact.  His nametag, American Kennel Association tag, Rabbies Vacc Tag, and his official license for the city of Belmont (I keep telling him this doesn’t mean that he can drive in Belmont. 

This becomes very clingy, so I tend to take his collar off him when in the house.  Otherwise hes jingle jangling around while tap dancing on the hardwoods. 

OH YEAH! On Halloween, when he was Super Goopie, he not only had a cape, but he also had wrist guards.  The were soon lost in the leaves…but they held magical powers for about 10 minutes.  Heres the only pic I could get.

Episode Seventeen : When disaster strikes, mid-blog

Hey All. So, I took a couple days off because, lets face it, I needed a few lazy days to prepare for my upcoming J-O-B.  My dream career starts tomorrow!  I’m so excited, and nervous to start……..

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!  You will not believe what just happened!  I am sitting in bed and just looked down at the floor, only to find see my beloved Goopie mid-squat.  IN slow motion, I yell Goopie NNNOOOOO……  as a bunch of gooey brown poo comes spewing out of his bum.  Yes, Spewing.  I calmly tried not to scream as I didn't want to scare him under the bed to finish his business.  By the time I get the laptop and blankets off me, the Husband has come in from the office to see what’s going on.  Oh man, that’s diarrhea.  Thanks, like I needed it to be identified.

We have a kinda ‘smelt-it-dealt it’ way of selecting who cleans up the dog poo.  He who sees/smells it first has to clean it.  Crap!  Why does the dog always have to poo in the privacy of my personal bubble?  He wouldn’t dare do it in front of the Husband.  This leaves me cleaning a lot of poo.  But this time, it was particularly gross and gooey.  Yes, Gooey.  It smelled like last nights Pork Chops.  If you remember, I don’t eat meat.  Someone else fed the dog off their plate, and I was stuck with cleaning it up.  SO NOT COOL!  The husband, of course, insists it smells like salad.  Like the dog would go near anything green.    

That’s it!  When we’re old and senile, I’m not cleaning the husbands poo stained butt when he’s too old to clean it himself.  IN FACT, I’m older that him, so chances are, I’m going to reach that milestone in life before him, so I’m going to take advantage as much as possible just to make up for moments like these.  UGH! 

OH MY GOSH!  To make matters worse, as I was sanitizing the floor, Goop jumped on the bed and curled up on my pillow.  WHY, I ask you, does he love ME so much?  I feel bad.  He’s obviously sick, but AHH, it smells in my bedroom and I just had to clean up really icky POO!  Good thing I don’t have kids!  I have a lot of practice to do before that comes around.  I cant exactly lock the kids in their club house for the night because they poo’d my pillow. 

AHHHH!  OK, no more blogging today.  I have to go clean and sanitize.  Ugh!  By the way, you are all welcome for me not sharing pictures today.

Just a reminder, tomorrow is Tuesday.  And incase you haven’t seen her blog yet; Live what you Love does a Tuesday blog about your Tail Wagging Friends.  Tomorrow’s topic is bling bling.   Stop by her blog to see her doggies bling, then back to mine to see the Poopers Coopers Bling. 

Episode sixteen : Its a Saturday...

I just got a job!  Yay Me!  You know what that means?  The House of Belmont will be without a Housewife.  I mean, I’m still going to live here, the Husband isn’t looking for someone else, but I wont be doing all those fun housewife duties – at least not as much as I was use to.  On Thursday, while we were celebrating with champagne, I brought this dilemma up to the Husband.  You know, now that I will be working 40-60 hours a week, I wont have time to cook, clean, shop, walk the dog, pick up dry cleaning, and all that other stuff that’s been keeping me busy for the last three months.  And let me tell you, I HAVE been busy.  But now, I’m bringing home the bacon, and I’m not gonna fry it up as well (especially considering I don’t even eat bacon!)  He insisted that we try something new.   Lets CLEAN AS WE GO.  Oh yeah, ok.  We’ll see how long this lasts.  He’s gone three months without touching the washer, and I’m pretty certain his hands are aren’t dishwater-safe. 

Last night (one day later), I opened a bottle of wine and left the tin and cork on the counter while I took a big swig as I wanted back into the office.  He so kindly called me into the kitchen and pointed to the trash and reminded me that we were going to clean as we go.  Oops, I figured you forgot about that, thanks for the reminder.  Damnit.  See, here’s the thing about me.  If we live together, and YOU clean, I will clean.  But if YOU are a slob, I will be a slob.  I’ve been that way with all of my roommates of the past.  I even warn them about it before hand.  It’s me, and to know me is to love me.  I can’t change.  I’ve tried. 

Fast forward to today.  I went into the kitchen to make lunch, only to find the sink full of dishes (somehow I was oblivious to them last night.  You see, I have that talent, its called selective-observation).  As I began to rinse and load the dishes, I found a lot of coffee cups.  Hmm, that’s strange, I stopped drinking coffee a few months ago, so that means…….  AH HA!!  MY TURN!!  I called the Husband up at his conference (After all, this was important!)

    Husband: Hello

    Me: Hi Stinks (pet name)

    H: Hey Whats up?  I cant talk for too long..

    M: That’s ok; I just wanted to tell you something.  Remember our Clean-as-you-Go rule? 

    H: Yeah?

    M: Well, I just found some coffee cups in the sink under the pans from last night’s dinner that you    

          made. 

    H: Oh…  Well…  the dishwasher needed to be emptied. 

    M: Nope, it was empty. 

    H: Oh.....

    M: But don’t worry; Ill put them in there for you. 

I just have one (over-used, obnoxious, cliché) word for this situation.

#Winning!

On a complete different note.  Remember that Manicure I got on Tuesday?  Gels, promised to last two weeks.  Its been 5 days, how do you recommend I go show the manicurist my boo boo?

pls excuse crappy photo quality, I was too lazy to turn on another light.